what is blog?
ive been journaling (keeping a paper diary) on and off the past few months.
most of my writing is about how i never write. which is funny considering the trope of never blogging. but i also never blog :^)
i wrote a post entry the other day about how writing on the computer is much less saatisfying than writing by hand, but i miss out on the ability to publish my writing when i do it by hand.
on a computer, i can just blog or post on social media. but its hard to convince myself to write long form pieces with no readers on line.
the typed word feels less valuable. as data, it feels temporary in a way that ink on paper simply does not. sure, i'll probably obsessively backup every word of this bc i dont want to lose anything (that fear of loss is probably my brain up to no good), but it doesnt feel permanent. it feels like i can ^W or rm at any time.
neither form of writing feels intuitive to me. when i was 14 or 15 i used to type out all sorts of notes to myself on my phone, but that didnt last long. i loved the idea of having a blog, or a podcast, or even just a social media account, but i didnt start any of those until much later.
i dont know why i stopped writing. maybe i started consuming too much media and stopped having ideas of my own. but then again, i used to have all sorts of vivid fantasies about whatever book i was reading or show i was watching. i used to be a fanfiction type of guy-- although i would never admit it. i insisted on writing "completely original" stories that just so happened to feature characters and scenes identical to ones i had just read about.
i thought i was being subtle. i wasn't.
maybe i consume less media now. i use social media, hearing other peoples thoughts and internalizing ways of thinking to compensate for having no original ideas of my own. thats depressing to think about.
my therapist started writing down the little quips i would say during our sessions. i didnt realize i was so quotable! it was a huge ego boost, but i realized the other day why i do that.
i accidentally rewired my brain to be good at twitter. :(
idk. i think ive been having more original thoughts lately. maybe. ive been using mastodon as my only social media, while a lot of my friends still use instagram and (the website formerly known as) twitter. maybe im not a free thinker, im just parroting more niche talking points. who can say!
i think there are more factors than internet usage that killed my creativity. there was a lot happening in my life at that time. i was a growing boy!
still, i find it hard to get back into the habit. theres a whole headspace that i know im capable of, but it doesnt come naturally anymore. i think i just need to force myself to make stuff until i start getting ideas for more stuff.
in my siblings painting room, i felt tremendously inspired. it was a much needed look into the creative process. only physical creation leaves traces of the process. too much art nowadays goes straight from the mind to the product. i cant learn anthing from art that conceals its own making.
i guess thats what i love about practical effects in movies so much. i can see how the effect is done, and think "oh its not magic! its creative, and its something i can learn!". computer effects, or just especially realistic/convincing practical effects, tell me more about the world of the fiction than about life on set. obviously this is intentional, but those peeks behind the curtain are necessary for me to appreciate the craft of it.
idk. im connecting a bunch of disparate ideas here. it feels nice to pin down my racing thoughts.
https://youtu.be/-lr9WshYouk
https://tilde.town/~karlen/